PETER COOK AND CHRIS
MORRIS – WHY BOTHER? (BBC WORLDWIDE)
Expressing “why
bother?” is one of the great verbal resignations of life. Its an aural shrug, a sonic snap, a blow to
the target and recipient alike.
Incorporating such a gesture into everyday existence is bottled anguish
coupled with emotional steam like relief.
What is on the surface negative can behind the scenes be quite positive.
Whenever I say “why
bother?” you can be assured that it is born from the frustrating of failure in
the face of effort. Being passive
aggressive seldom feels so good. Two
words later and I am absolved of responsibility.
The BBC radio series
Why Bother? from 1994 was the dream collaboration of two satirical heavyweights
producing a series of five ten minute interviews. With Chris Morris at the helm as interviewer
and producer, Peter Cook posed as Sir Arthur
Streeb-Greebling a character dating back to Not Only…But Also
from 1965. In typical Cook style
Streeb-Greebling was a rich, doddery, out of touch aristocrat commenting
without qualification on the world and his absurd adventures within it. With only Cook receiving a writing credit you
sense the struggle in creation existed in as much not corpsing as the actual
authoring. Morris later commented on the
unique style of improvisation involved complimenting/championing the manner
with which Cook both served up solid punchlines while also steering the next
setup, a feat even more unexpected considering his washed up, alcoholic public
perception towards the end of his life.
In contrast Morris described the performance of Cook being to “skip
mentally with the agility of a grasshopper”.
Originally broadcast
on 10 January 1994
to 14 January 1994
on BBC3 I bought this collection on
cassette back when the BBC would release radio shows as spoken word titles
which would mostly be available in bookshops rather than record stores. The five episodes are:
Eels, Love And Guns
The first interview
arrives with an introduction and Morris asking Streeb-Greebling if he has done
anything similar previously. On his CV
is Face-To-Face
with John
Freeman and The
Tube. Nothing in between. With that Morris apologises for not listening
and then they are off discussing his interest in eels, of course involving Betty Grable. Very soon it is subtly revolting as he
describes surreal situations and broken variations. Now a man at odds with eels he speaks of a
broken hearted past. And somehow it
transpires that Eric Clapton was a
great comfort to him at this time. As
things move onto Los Angeles it turns out
Streeb-Greebling was a friend of Rodney King and attempted
to mediate the 1992
riots. Finally he got away with
murder teaching tennis to Tatum
O’Neal. At the end it is established
that he is participating in these interviews to get things off his chest and
onto other peoples’.
Bears
The second interview
begins with discussion of suffering strokes and death. It is revealed that his inheritance is to be
placed into a trust as Morris doubles over laughing at his demise. Moving on they begin discussing
Streeb-Greebling’s report on prisons due the following morning which it turns
out was heavily influenced on experiences with his father placing him in prison
as a youth. In such troubling
circumstances character was formed becoming prematurely old and a smoker at the
age of four years old. Then at the age
of six he joined the Foreign Legion fighting alongside Rex Harrison. Eventually winding up stood naked on a frozen
Lake Ontario he found
himself trudging through a forest to Toronto
negotiating with bears.
Christ
Arriving late to the
interview Morris exhibits attitude as Streeb-Greebling remains keen to discuss
his beekeeping. Quickly it is revealed
that tomorrow the fossilised remains of the infant Christ (nine months) are to
be presented by Streeb-Greebling.
Delving into the implications of such a discovery it is explained this
was one of a number of resurrection practice runs. It transpires at one such run seventeen
practice Christs were resurrected.
Speaking to the Vatican word is that
they’re thrilled with the discovery but that is before the intention to clone
has been discussed (an intention funded by Honda). As the conversation continues Morris
expresses concerns at Streeb-Greebling’s real intentions as he attempts to
distract/derail discussion with Oprah Winfrey. Eventually it turns out that the future is in
the tiny Christ business. Batteries not
included.
Prisoner Of War
With their
relationship now flourishing the next interview begins with the rattling of a
teacup and saucer followed by the request from Streeb-Greebling to have a boy
called Gavin from Camden Town do
his hair while the interview takes place.
Finally Gavin is sent away with an apology from Streeb-Greebling having misled
him. With this the interview properly
begins with Morris stating it is 50 years (“50 years to the day”) since
Streeb-Greebling returned from a Japan and a
prisoner of war camp. It transpires he
was originally captured when he led a unit of mostly dead soldiers into a
concentration camp. Now held as
prisoners they were involved in the building of a railway although
Streeb-Greebling didn’t waste a single calorie in its construction. Not a traditional prisoner, he got on rather
well with his Japanese captors. Attempts
at escape fell short as insanity in troops arrived off the back of mental
cruelty such as posing as wives back home.
In the end Streeb-Greebling required severe coaxing to leave the camp as
expansion plans were in place. Towards
the end Morris begins accusing his subject of telling lies. Their relationship breaks down. The answer is “no”.
Drugs Etc
The final exchange
begins on a rough not as Streeb-Greebling reveals that he has lost his
voice. Thankfully one thump later and it
has returned. From here the conversation
opens with the anecdote of when his life was saved by a Puff Adder. It was a convoluted turn of events born of an
attempt on his life. It was almost
murder. Such unpleasant scenes were
seldom seen in Fortnum And Mason. When Leon Brittan copied it, he
was just attention seeking. Their
relationship was a playful one it transpires.
Moving on wrestling
with Michael Heseltine
was introduced, a man who had an advantage having practice bouts with Rudy The
Giant Vacuum Cleaner from the WWF. Everything in life is about appearances and
these interviews are revealed as Streeb-Greebling’s only media appearances of
the year. It is then revealed that television
was not an option because he would not be able to conceal his crack pipe. The pitiful story of his drug affliction is
then revealed in depth including a disastrous talk show appearance with Joan Rivers.
And it is at the seven minute mark of this episode Streeb-Greebling is
to be heard sucking it up piping away.
On drugs he is heard to comment “the downside of this is you feel awful
but the upside is that you feel terrific”.
Now back on track it is revealed that it is well known in court circles
that the Queen is fond
of dancing naked in the nude prior to formal speaking engagements. This is done listening to Thin Lizzy. Finally it is inevitably reduced to legal
threats and an episode with Frank Sinatra. It ends with confusion over whether the tape
is running and question of whether it “was done for purely artist reasons? Exactly”.
Considering the
broadcast of these programmes was almost exactly one year before Cook passed
away (on 9 January 1995 ),
coupled with the sublime four character appearance on Clive Anderson Talks Back these
were the last great Peter Cook performances.
I used to have an
accounts tutor that looked like Peter Cook.
He wasn’t very funny (although he thought so) but he liked the ladies.
Thesaurus moment:
egress.
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